7 Communication Tips for Healthy Relationships

Healthy relationships are so vital to living your best life. As a Life Coach, they often naturally integrate themselves into whatever life changes my client is working on.  If you are not happy with your relationships, it’s not the other person you need to change -there’s no place for blame in a healthy relationship-it’s you.  Once a client has accepted this, the real work can begin. Taking a holistic approach, here are 7 tips for healthy relationships that I’ve found helpful for myself and my clients.

1. Be Generous With Your Appreciation.

How often do you feel or give appreciation? How important is appreciation? Studies show that appreciation of others and of yourself is strongly correlated with happiness and health. I know of people who have quit their jobs for not feeling appreciated for their contributions in the workplace. I’ve also seen the opposite. When people are acknowledged for their efforts, they feel better about giving and often go beyond the call of duty. Experiment with this and experience the magic for yourself. Appreciation changes people. In families, appreciation can minimize or prevent problems. Start appreciating those you care about for all those things you take for granted, like “Thanks for being out there earning a living so we can pay our bills each month”, “ Thanks for the juggling you do every day to take care of our family”, “ Thank you for being a wonderful kid”, “ Thank you for cleaning up your room”, “ Thank you for bringing up this issue that we need to deal with”, “ Thanks for the great meals you make for us”, you get the idea. Make it a habit. Get the whole family involved. It may feel awkward at first, but after awhile the energy in your home will change, and problems will begin to disappear.

It works just as well in the workplace. “Good job when…”, “It made me smile when…”, “I know you’ve been working really hard lately and…”, then watch company moral skyrocket! If you want something from another, you must give it away first. If you want more appreciation in your life, start giving it out first and watch your wish come true!

2. State Your Intention or The Purpose Behind the Communication.

According to Dr. Rick Brinkman, a lifestyle management guru and author of “Life By Design”, whenever we communicate there is always a purpose behind that communication. A very effective way to communicate is to let people know your purpose or your (positive) intention first to avoid misunderstanding. Without the desired intention, defenses easily go up. People often need to know where we are coming from before they can really let go and listen. For example, you might say, “I love you and I really need to clear the air about what happened the other night”. This states the intention first and has a loving, positive tone. Consider the difference if the person had said, “I feel frustrated about what happened the other night and I think we need to talk about it”. The intention is unclear and immediately causes the other person to put up a protective wall!  Always state your intention first.

3. Assume a Positive Intention in Others.

Always assume the best intention in others. People will literally fall all over themselves to fulfill your positive expectations of them. There have been studies that prove when students work with teachers who believe in them to excel, they do. The expectations of the teachers get projected on to the students and in such cases, the students IQ is tested higher than normal for that student. This is the power of your projections! If we want to bring out the very best in your spouse, clients, employees and kids, you can start by just assuming the best and projecting positive expectations.

Sometimes another’s intention is good, but their actions are not welcome. For example, your husband decides to surprise you and rearrange the furniture. His intentions were good, but you hated what he did. If you just said, “You shouldn’t have done this, you need to move everything back the way it was”-do you think he would take the initiative to do something “nice” for you again? Probably not!  But, if you said, “Thank you honey for caring about the way our home looks, it was really great of you make this effort for me. But, what you didn’t know is I really don’t like it this way, can we try something different?” With this response he will not be afraid to try to please you another time.

4. Seek First to Understand.

An argument is two people wanting to be understood when neither one wants to understand. How to resolve an argument? Let the other person feel understood first. When they feel understood, they will then be able to give their full attention to you. Listening is the key to understanding. Let them know you are listening by giving specific feedback so the other person knows they are being heard and understood. The best way to do this is to simply take their words and give it back to them. This is a special technique used by counselors and coaches. Their words are special to them; it doesn’t work as well to try to use your own language. You can also ask questions for clarity if you need to. Listening and caring provides the feeling the other person is looking for. The final step is to confirm the other person feels understood by saying something like, “Do I understand this correctly?” Then it’s your turn to talk.

5. Enjoy Differences.

Recognize it is wonderful to have differences, and then to respect them. Each individual processes feelings differently according to their own life experience. If you are sensitive to this you can discover the best way to support the other person and get both of your needs met. A really useful question to ask when someone close to you starts a statement with “You don’t…”, is “How would you know if I…?”, For example, ” How would you know if I supported you?”, or “How would you know if I cared for you?” Their answers might surprise you and not be what you expected! Keep in mind; the people close to you often have their own criteria for getting their desires fulfilled based on their own model of the world! And it may not be the same as yours, so you need to ask. For example, one person’s criteria for a romantic evening may be very different than their partners! The intent may be the same (wanting intimate time together), but how to fulfill that intent is often not. Again, asking questions helps a lot! Ask, “What does a romantic evening look like for you?”, and then you may need to find a compromise.

6. Notice the Energy of Your Intention.

According to the bestseller “A Return to Love” by Marianne Williamson, when we come from a place of love and acceptance, and truly accept people as they are, this has the miraculous effect of helping them be better people. When we are always telling people what’s wrong with them, we don’t help them, instead, we paralyze them with shame and guilt. When we accept others unconditionally, we help them to feel good about themselves, to relax, and to find their way. This doesn’t mean we can’t share constructive criticism, but again, and energy of positive intent is important. It is the energy, good or bad, that is carried in our communication. The miracle is the authentic intention to communicate with love not fear. According to the book, “The key to communication is not what we say, but rather the attitude that lies behind what we say”.

7. Create a Relationship Agreement.

The following relationship tool can help with maintaining healthy relationships. It is called a relationship agreement. Sit down with your spouse, your son/daughter, or your business partner and come up with some agreements about how to communicate with each other. Then when things start to go amuck, (and when our feelings turn into emotional reactions, they easily do!), you can get the agreement out and say “Remember how we agreed to communicate?”

Examples of mutual relationship agreements might include:

* To have weekly meetings.

* To communicate without blame.

* To communicate only from love-not fear.

* To take turns with who gets to start when settling an argument

* To create and have a plan for how to exit an argument so you can come back to it after you’ve gained some perspective.

* To always state the positive intent first.

Every two people who come together bring uniqueness to that relationship, so each particular relationship agreement will be unique as well.

Relationships are such a big part of your personal Body, Mind, Spirit landscape and affect every part of your being, so if you’ve been struggling, do your part and watch the transformations begin!

Choosing a Journey of Consciousness

Every day you have a choice.  Imagine your life as a journey, day by day, you are traveling toward a destination which represents your dreams and goals.  Your destination is your desired future.  Imagine also that your thoughts, feelings and behaviors are your map, your guide to your destination of choice.  How you choose to think, feel and behave creates your journey and ultimately your destination.  If you choose to travel unconsciously, without any real awareness of where you want to go or end up, you will keep getting lost, taking detours that lead to undesirable locations, and finding that, over time, you never arrive at the place in your life you really want to be or worse, never enjoy the journey.

But, when you take conscious control of the “wheel” of your life and become fully aware of your patterns of reaction, you can begin to feel certain that you will arrive at your desired outcome while fully enjoying the trip!

This will require practicing full awareness of your mental and emotional responses to life.  When a boulder gets thrown in your path, instead of retreating, complaining, giving up, or just sitting there feeling sorry for yourself, you can make a more enlightened choice to find a new way, via higher thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

To become more aware of your thoughts, you must first be open to examining your feelings and emotions.  When you notice along the way that challenges do come up, and some of those challenges will produce an uncomfortable or negative feeling, you’ll find the source of those feelings and behaviors is directly connected to what you are thinking.  When you find your journey is being fueled with unwanted feelings and behaviors, and discover the thoughts behind them, consider the positive thought options available to you and ask yourself: “Why not take the positive route instead?”

If you find yourself continuously choosing a route that takes you further away from your goals and dreams, in other words, making choices that dishonor or disempower you, decide that you can consciously make the choice to release those habits and make a choice to change your thoughts.

The road to your destination will never be perfect.  You may miss your turn, run into a roadblock or encounter bad weather, but that is part of the adventure! By “course-correcting” your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, one day at a time, you will consciously reach your destination and have a whole lot of fun along the way! The choice is yours.

Beware of the “Aint it Awfuls”!

Our ego’s are tricky little devils.  One thing our ego does is get us to feel sorry for ourselves when things aren’t going the way we want them to.  It does this by reminding us of those buried feelings of unworthiness hiding out in the inner recesses of our minds.

You could be going along just fine, feeling good, and everything seems to be going great.  Heck, you are doing all the right things!  Visualizing, journaling, writing out all the things you are grateful for, and staying in the moment.  Then somewhere along the way, WHAM!, something triggers that painful feeling of unworthiness.  Maybe you made a mistake, or someone cuts you down, or you fail at something you’ve been working on (or its just not happening fast enough!), or you didn’t get the job or the sale or the raise you really, really wanted.

Yep, this is prime fertilizer for the ego mind.  All of a sudden, you cannot remember any of that feel good stuff you’ve been working on because you have just gone into the “downward spiral” of despair, anger, or sadness.  It’s at this point when we start thinking, “Poor me, I guess I just don’t have what it takes” or “There must be something wrong with me” or “I’m just not good enough”.  The other thing we might do is go into the “Aint it awful’s.”  You know what I mean.  The “Aint it awful I have to do this, when I really want to be doing that?”, “Aint it awful I can’t have the car (job, relationship, income, happiness…) I desire?”, “Aint it awful this is all taking so long!?”

Whoa!!!! The minute you notice yourself going down this all too familiar path, is the moment to change that negative momentum.  I KNOW it’s not easy.  We are sooo practiced at our reactions to our particular pain triggers.  They have served us so well in soothing our bruised ego’s in the past that we have become conditioned to automatically go there!  The problem is that when we are in “Aint it awful” or “Feeling Sorry” mode we are creating from that mode.   We are creating more “Aint it awful” and “Feeling Sorry” circumstance to come into our lives.  These feelings do not serve us- they defeat us.

Here are a few “Be Certain of Success” tricks to help you get back into the flow of feeling good.

1. Take one of your “Aint it awfuls” and make a gratitude list about it.  For example, if you are not where you want to be financially, make a list of how grateful you are for what you DO have!  (If you have a car, a computer and a T.V. set, you are in the top 10% of the worlds economic status!)  Your list might include: Your current steady paycheck (at least you have one!), your home, never going without food, a warm bed to sleep in, a loving dog, a beautiful park to walk through nearby, etc…
2. Remember that any feelings of unworthiness are beliefs given to you by someone else-they do not belong to you.  Someone else decided a long time ago that you were unworthy based on his or her own insecurities.  You just chose to believe it because you did not know any different.  But now you do!  You are a child of GOD-you are made of the same energy!  How can you possibly be unworthy?
3. Try the Emotional Freedom Technique otherwise called “tapping”.  It helps release negative emotions that are trapped in your body.  Go to http://www.tapping.com for more information.
4. There are many other energy clearing techniques to help you let go of unwanted energy including Reiki, Qi Gong, Chakra Balancing and Breath work.  You might experiment and find the one(s) that work best for you.

Finally, don’t wait!!! This is the most important of all!!  The Universe (God, Source) wants you to have what you want for yourself!  It wants you to have abundance, love, happiness and joy.  It wants you to have that new job, that successful career, or that great new relationship.  But, it can’t give it to you if you are feeling sorry for yourself or don’t feel you deserve it! The energy just doesn’t line up!  If we are waiting for that new job, new body, or new partner in order to finally be happy, then we will never receive it.  We must BE the happiness we desire RIGHT NOW in order to provide the opening for our good to flow to us.  So be the happiness, love, joy and abundance now!

Creating Balance From the Inside Out

When I was younger, my mother and other adults used to say “The older you get, the faster your life will go”, and my younger self would think, “Maybe for some people, but not for me.” But, as much as I thought I would be immune from this happening, they were right, life is moving faster and faster the older I get. As an adult and as a life coach, I often hear the exclamation “I just want to slow my life down so I can figure out what I really want and maybe smell the roses a bit more along the way.”

As we get older, we tend to get caught up in all our “grown up” responsibilities. Kids, career, significant other, friends, housework, holidays, taking care of the yard, volunteer work, meetings, appointments, changing the oil on the car, etc… All leaving us so tapped that it’s hard to imagine fitting in any time for ourselves. Or when we do, we’re too tired and settle for vegging out in front of the TV. Before we know it, another year has passed and we never got around to living that great life we are always hoping for.

Then we hear about this thing called life balance and wonder if that could be the ticket out of this chaotic life and into a life that more resembles our own deepest desires, hopes and dreams from years ago.

When thinking about this topic, I realized that many of my clients come to me to create more balance in their lives, or with issues that are symptoms of an unbalanced life, like job dissatisfaction, time management, stress reduction, lack of motivation, no time for self, a search for meaning, etc…

I have found through research and discovery that there are essentially two ways to approach having a balanced life. We can choose to approach life balance from the outside in or from the inside out. The first approach is to drive yourself even crazier by trying to achieve an elusive, mythical, and societal ideal of balance. You might recognize this one. It’s the approach where you take a certain amount of time each day or week and allot it to each area of life (e.g., work =8 hours, exercise= 0.45 hours, family=2.6 hours, etc…). This works for a day or two until something unexpected comes up and takes you completely out of your routine and back to feeling out of balance. It’s the approach where we really believe the influences of the media and our culture that we can do it all-work, home, family and get enough sleep! This approach is also the one where our culture demands that women be both professional high achievers and traditional June Cleaver moms/wives and makes you feel as if at any moment, if we do something wrong, we are judged as inadequate and once again a complete failure in either department.

Wow, it makes you despise the words life balance doesn’t it? This approach is surprisingly touted by many well-meaning self-help professionals. It is an approach based on “shoulds” (things you think you ought to want), judgment (from self and others), and ignores the fact that the achievement of a whole picture perfect life is entirely unrealistic.

The second, more sane approach to life balance, is to not let ourselves be influenced by cultural ideals and social pressures, to stop comparing ourselves to others with unequal situations, and to recognize that balance is not static, but dynamic and constantly in motion, like our lives. That it’s a process, not an accomplishment, and it requires some flexibility!

When I was young, I had a unicycle. In order to balance in one spot I had to make continual adjustments and compensations to keep from falling over. Balance in our lives is the same way. Sometimes we need to devote a lot of attention to one area of our life (a sick family member, a special project at work, a vacation), and sometimes we need to pull back, re-direct our attention or make a different decision before we fall over. When I would lose my balance, did that mean I couldn’t get back on and resume balancing? Of course not. Life is like this. We just keep adjusting, redirecting and making better decisions. If we don’t-we fall and crash, and then we are forced to make a change.

We can’t judge how balanced our lives are by looking at one day, or even one week. We have to keep the big picture in mind and seek balance from within. On the whole, are you achieving what you want in each area of your life? If not, what kind of adjustments are you willing to make? What expectations are you trying to fulfill that are not your own? Ask yourself, “What is the best use of my time today?”, and decide to go for a walk instead of watching another reality show on TV.

Balance is not cookie cutter in any way. What is a balanced life for one person might be completely unacceptable to another. When we find balance on our own terms, from within, we replace conformity with honesty, judgment with kindness, turn “shoulds” into wants, and create a joyful, unconventional kind of balance that is perfect for us

Life Balance Tools and more at the Be Certain Of Success membership program for women.

The Endless Gift of Service

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Your unconditional gift of time, assistance, things, thoughts, money, love and life projects a loving energy far beyond what the recipient receives. The loving energy it projects expands into Universal consciousness and stimulates the energy field that exists all around … Continue reading →

Body-Mind Spirit Tips: 8 Ways to Blow the Holidays For Yourself and Others…or Not!

1.Don’t plan for those special holiday traditions –they just want to compete with your valuable time to finish up work at the office, spend time networking on Facebook, or watching realty TV. The importance of those special times together with your family and the memories they would have created will certainly fade from everyone’s mind soon enough-along with the true meaning of the holiday.

Or

Make a list of all your family holiday traditions, from cookie baking to Christmas caroling to going to  candle light service at your church. Keep only the ones you absolutely love. Schedule them in your calendar and let go of the rest-guilt free. Enjoy the special moments that create long lasting memories. They only come around once a year and you’ll never get them back

2. Be sure to shop on the weekends so you can experience all the stress and tension of standing in long lines and of course, wait until the week before to make your selections or ship your packages. Hopefully, your Aunt Tilda will love that polka dot sweater you grabbed off the rack since it was the best of the worst left in the store! Then, rack up the credit card because you forgot to budget for all those last minute purchases!

Or

Take one vacation day early in the month, preferably a weekday, to “power shop” without fighting crowds or dealing with last minute pressure. If it’s too late for this year, vow you will get a head start for next year and starting in January, start putting aside funds and/or gifts for next Christmas.

3. “Save up” calories by not eating all day before your holiday meal or party. That way you can eat twice as much when the meal or food finally comes around (and you will!), but, what the heck-feeling stuffed and miserable is just a part of the holiday season, right?.

Or

Eat breakfast, a light, nutritious lunch, and when the big dinner or party comes around you’ll feel more in control of your appetite. A light snack just before, such as some soup, fruit or yogurt, works great as well. Don’t use the holidays as an excuse to overeat!

4. Deny yourself all the special holiday treats that come along this time of year, even though by doing so that’s all you can think about! Forget that whenever you’ve tried this in the past you ended up bingeing on them anyway. That way when it happens you’ll have an excuse-you forgot!

Or

Remember that special foods are a natural part of holiday celebrations and denial will often trigger bingeing. Moderation is the key. Enjoy smaller portions of some of the “special” holiday foods you enjoy. If you’re eating healthy most of the time-and getting in some regular weekly activity-you’re fine.

5. Don’t exercise at all during the holidays. Besides, you have too much to do and it’s just not a priority. Instead, let the stress that builds up as a result give you the energy to keep you going. Besides-there’s always that New Year’s resolution you make every year to make fitness a part of your lifestyle-and you’ll really mean it this time!

Or

Give yourself the best gift of all during the holidays-exercise. A 20-30 minute walk, three days a week; skating or sledding with the kids; a romp in the snow; snowball fights, using that fitness club membership you paid big bucks for, long walks with friends or family are all good choices. Just get active any way you can and in ways you enjoy. Exercise is the single best way to maintain your weight and relieve stress during the holidays!

6. Be sure to overeat, over drink, over party, then tell yourself what a fool you are, that you’ll never change, and you might as well give up on yourself.

Or

Forgive yourself. You made a mistake. You overate, you over drank, and you over partied. Learn from it, resolve to do better next time, move on and trust yourself to make the necessary adjustments so it won’t happen again. You are still a good person!

7. Stay up late watching TV, and don’t turn down any invitations-especially two late night parties in a row. You’ll catch up sometime after the holidays. In the mean time your family and friends will just have to put up with your crankiness.

Or

Get enough sleep. When you are tired and cranky-guess what? You are less likely to make good choices and less able to deal with stress. Plus, you put undue strain on everyone around you.

8. Drink alcohol and throw caution to the wind-it’s a party! You’ll drive carefully. Besides, alcohol doesn’t affect YOU like it does everyone else.

Or

Set a limit on your alcohol consumption if you’re driving or skip the alcohol. If you do end up having a few cocktails at a party – Take note of these two things: 1. Alcohol lowers your resolve to treat yourself in a healthy manner. If you stay aware of this, you’ll do better, and 2. Just in case, pre-plan to have a designated driver or tell a friend to call a cab for you if need be.

8. Don’t think of anyone who may be having a hard time this Christmas.  That might make you feel guilty and take away your own joy. Besides, those people don’t need your help. They’ll get enough help from other people.  Anyway, it’s hard enough providing for those expensive wishes from your own family, you don’t have money to spare for those less fortunate!

Or

Find a way to give, there are so many this time of year! Our YMCA alone is a drop off point for giving clothes and blankets to homeless veterans, giving to toys for Toys for Tots and Food for the local Food Shelter.  You will be amazed at how good it feels to give-and how it adds to your Christmas joy! And what a powerful lesson for your family!

Finally, think positive and choose an affirmation that supports your efforts such as “I am choosing to take good care of myself and others this holiday season!” The choice is truly your own!

Wishing you happy, healthy, stress-free holiday!
Dr. Deb

Every Moment is An Opportunity to Create a Brighter Future!

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When you spend your time thinking about or re-living the past, or worrying about the future, you lose the valuable moment of NOW forever.  The moment of NOW is your window of opportunity for shaping a better future and creating … Continue reading →

True Deserving

Here is a truth that I wish to implant in the minds of all children and adults everywhere.  Your value is not based on anything outside of yourself and you worth is not based on conditions.  You were born worthy and anything you believe otherwise is based on other peoples drama’s and opinions and has nothing to do with you (except if you believe it does).

When you don’t believe you are worthy of health, wealth, love and joy, then your desires in life will be driven by fear and lack; and your ability to receive will be conditional at best.

Embrace your eternal worthiness, and feel it in the heart of your soul.  In your joy of knowing this is true, you will begin to create miracles in your life. Anything other than worthiness is not your truth.  You do not have to do or be something in order to be worthy.  Self-rejection comes from false beliefs about yourself.  Unite with the true source of your deserving, your Divine heritage, and open yourself up to the joy, success, love and fulfillment that you deserve!

Always affirm to yourself what you true identity deserves-respect, love, happiness and all the abundance the Universe has to offer! Next time you look at yourself in the mirror, claim your birthright and really see yourself, your value and your worthiness!

The Practice and Art of Surrender

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The sooner you understand the art of surrendering your attachment to a desired outcome, the quicker you will manifest what you desire.  You live in a Universe that is governed by laws of mind and Spirit and once you understand … Continue reading →

What’s Your Story?

The journey called “Life” can be quite interesting at times as you strive to be the person you were meant to be and live the life you were meant to live.  Many of you are beginning to notice yourselves more and are wondering why the heck you still behave the way you do and can’t stop thinking the way you always have, even now, when you feel you should know better!

As you become more and more aware of yourself and the recognition of your personal responsibility in what you are creating for your life, you can also begin to uncover the stories you have created along the way that may be keeping you stuck in an undesirable situation and apart from living your best life.

This is not an easy task.  Your stories were a very important part of your survival—you needed your stories to cope.  Your stories were brilliant adaptations to protect you from your fears.   If you are lacking in any way today, whether it be money, love, or health, you can most likely attribute it to “Your Story” or what you have chosen to believe about yourself in relation to those things up to this point.  Your stories are your perception of what you are capable of or deserve and are deeply held beliefs, and some of those beliefs may be keeping you from the abundance, love and peace you desire and deserve.

For example, if your situation is that you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed with all the things you have to do each day and don’t seem to have enough time or energy to “do it all”-there is probably a story (or belief about yourself) keeping you stuck in that life scenario.   How do we uncover that story?  Here’s a hint:  You can discover it in what you say about it to others.  You might hear yourself say, “If I don’t do it myself, it won’t get done right and I’ll just have to do it over anyway”.  Do you hear this persons “story”?

Another example might be someone who is in business for him or herself and is struggling making sales and/or making ends meets.  This person might be overheard saying something like “Its tough to keep a business going in today’s economy”, or “I just hate it when people try to sell me something-it turns me off”.  By paying attention to your language, you can become more aware of your stories.

If changing your stories seems like a daunting task, it is because they can be hard to let go of.  This is true for the reason that they served a certain purpose in your life.  Even though they created negativity and suffering, they justified your place in the world.  They satisfied your ego’s need to be recognized, even if it was to get sympathy or attention from others.

I love Alberto Villoldo’s  book “Courageous Dreaming”.  He talks about letting go of stories in which you are either a victim, bully or rescuer that keep you in a life of suffering and shares of how you can choose to turn yourself into hero’s instead.   This is very similar to the chapter in Eckart Tolles book “A New Earth” that talks about the roles of victim, villain and lover your ego adopts to seek acceptance.  Letting go of these roles allows us to function from a deeper core of your being which is in itself a journey to be relished.

You can choose a new story and a new path, and by doing so bring more joy and passion to your journey—this incredible, amazing journey of life in a Universe that believes whatever story you want to create about it!

Happy Storytelling!